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not dead or anything [09 Apr 2012|04:19pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

My store had closed.  I have a vision of thick wet snow so perhaps the roof collapsed.  Anyway, near where there is a church currently irl,  A new store had opened.  The previous store's manager was crying and told me how the store had closed.  For some reason I had been transfered to the new store.  
The new store had multiple floors and you could look out down onto the sales floor.  There may have been offices or pinball machines up there.  Produce had more than one cooler.  More than two perhaps.  It was weird because I couldnt find lettuce so i wandered around for a while.
Then someone from the bakery came by and offered to give me a tour which I accepted.  He also gave me some pie or cinnamon roll or something.  And warned me where the camera was while we ate.

And for some reason whenever I write these I remember fragments of other dreams that I don't remember enough to write about.

Speaking of sleep, I got this thing that tracks my brainwaves while I sleep.  It tells me how much REM, light, and deep sleep I get.  When I bother to wear it.  It seems to be tracking the REM properly since obviously there is a correlation between the REM sleep and the dreams I have.  Although I don't always remember them.  I get very little deep sleep... the most I ever get is about 20 minutes.  It's usually closer to 10.

So uhhhh... yeah, I haven't been active on here at all.  :/
Sometimes I'll start writing something and just decide it's complete garbage.  Even looking back through my previous posts...
I don't know what I want to say or even how to say it.  At this point I'm pretty much forcing myself to do it.
I can't think of much that's changed.  I haven't really ended up where I wanted in life so far, though I'm not really sure where I even want to go.  
Been having pretty severe episodes of depression lately.  So from the normal level of being depressed some days go even deeper, down into that pit of despair where you feel you can never escape.
But at the same time there are days where I can achieve the highest peaks of ecstasy from doing nothing but listening to music.  And then I don't feel like trying to do something about the bad days.
I've been on antidepressants before and they never really worked.  I think there are definitely underlying issues that are causing my depression and anxiety.  But maybe not so much physical issues as mental issues.  
Oh, that reminds me, I played some games a while ago that I now consider my favorite games.  The Ar Tonelico series.  The cosmosphere dive system is absolutely amazing and the game itself is essentially fusing RPG and visual novels.  I wish it wasn't so obscure though, I can never find anyone else who's even heard of it.  
The underlaying concept of the game, that everything is formed from harmonic waves and the Reyvateils sing song magic, really resonates with me since music is one of the most important things in my life.   And the music in the games is beautiful.  Absolutely amazing.
I can't really say any of them are perfect, but despite their flaws (such as hilariously bad translations at times and save game deleting bugs/game crashing bugs) they are my all time favorite games, and it's really hard (pretty much impossible for me) to not get way too attached to the heroines.  Soma, Finnel, Ar Ru, Tyria, Luca, Misha, Shurelia, Cloche, Cocona, Saki, Akane, Mir (omfg!!!), I love them all so much.  I ended up reading Venus in Furs because of Finnel ;3
One thing that really drives me in that game is fixing their problems.

And I can't think of anything else to write so I guess I'll just post it as-is.

(edit:  It's kinda neat, leaving years of gaps in my blogs.  It's like looking back through time at myself.)

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trapped in silent hill [14 Mar 2010|07:03pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Beat silent hill 1.  Beat silent hill shattered memories.  Beat silent hill 3.  Currently playing silent hill 2 (and silent hill 4 but mostly focusing on 2 at the moment so I can play 3 again and have the extra content).  Beat silent hill origins quite a while ago.
Got Resident evil trilogy on bluray.  And silent hill on bluray.  Taking a break from F.E.A.R 2 for a while.  Since I'm completely obsessed with silent hill at the moment.  To the point where I wish Silent Hill was real.  And that my walls could have the awesome effects from silent hill 3.  Plus I'm totally in love with Heather, she's so perfect.
The only downside of immersing myself to this extent is that I'd rather live in the game world than the real world.  (which makes me sad because I know I can't)
So far there has been no negative effects.  (I was working the night shift at the store and the power was completely out and you'd think with all the horror games and movies I've been watching and playing lately, I'd totally freak out and kill everyone or something, but I was actually completely relaxed (which was kinda disappointing)).

Gonna see VNV nation on the 20th, I'm pretty excited for that. 

And I've still been procrastinating, my resume is perfect, but I haven't been putting it out there enough.  Since I could be doing what I went to school for, and what I love doing, AND make more money.

Anyway this was totally spur of the moment random stuff so hopefully it makes some sense.  And doesn't sound too retarded. 

I've been having a lot of issues with having no inspiration/motivation/ideas/art lately. 
(Also my brain is kinda zombie at the moment since I'm fighting a cold so cold medicine + lack of sleep + benzos (to try to get some sleep) etc.)

This will have to do for now.
idk, I have to work at 3am and it's already 7pm but  think I'll play SH2 until I pass out.  Which is gonna be pretty soon.  sorry for grammar, typos, netspeak, etc.
I REGRET NOTHING!

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Silent Hill: Shattered Memories [18 Feb 2010|05:47pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

Perhaps I will think of more to write about later (I know, I've been neglecting my blog) but I thought I'd make an entry having just completed Silent Hill: Shattered Memories.
I was initially skeptical due to it not being canon and being developed by Climax.  I was definitely wrong.  I found the game very exciting and it definitely kept me tense.  It seemed faster paced than the original, and not being able to kill monsters made it feel more tense. 
I won't really go into any plot stuff because I don't want to spoilers anything but I was very surprised by some of the differences.

Another thing I wanted to highlight was the psych profiling they do in this game.  I remember having a discussion with my brother quite a while ago about how in the past, some games had quizzes that selected your characters skill points or determined your class (similar to the GOAT in fallout 3).  And that they needed to start adapting more of the game to the player that way.  Also, I felt that for a game to be able to really get to me, it would have to get into my head.  (For a while I've been attempting to cause a psychotic break in myself with combinations of horror video games and sleep deprivation and horror movies and other various mind fucks... unfortunately my efforts have been largely unsuccessful.)
Anyway, Shattered Memories features a psych profile that alters the game not only based on responses, but also based on your actions.  It tunes the game to you as you play it. 
I thought that was an excellent idea and that they did a pretty good job with it. 
I am planning to return to this game and replay it a few more times (actually already started :P ) which is something I rarely do.  Infact, probably FEAR2 is one of the very few other games that has been able to get me to replay it again and again and again.

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Remembering my roots [15 Jul 2009|09:24pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I know I really need to post some blogs about my trip, but I just haven't gotten around to writing about it yet.  A lot of it is really hard to put into words.  I'm really not thad good of a writer.

Today I decided to look for screenshots that I'm pretty sure existed of a thread (or rather, an image board, because I created quite a few threads) where I may or may not have been under the influence of various substances but needless to say the entire board was filled with pictures of my eyes and other really random pictures.  The screenshot was taken a long time ago but I thought I could find it.

I was wrong.

It's not that the file didn't exist, in fact I am sure that it does exist.  It is an issue of the mountains of data I attempted to dig through. 

Over the years, I've had several computers.  Each of them having many modifications made, multiple operating system upgrades/reinstalls.  If you've ever seen pictures of my room, you'll know I rarely throw anything out and I live in a cluttered chaotic environment.  The same is true electronically.  Sometimes a computer would get fucked up and I'd have to get as much data salvaged from it as possible.  Sometimes I had to move things from one hard drive to another.  When I started having actually important files, I'd make sure I had multiple copies on different machines and different drives.  To ensure that one system crashing would not wipe out everything.  There was also a lot of junk data that I've accumulated from using multiple computers over the years.  Examples of this would be gigabytes of images from 4chan or wtfux.  Multiple copies of the same image on different areas of the disk; multiple copies on multiple computers.  Screenshots, chat logs, etc.
It was those last two that really got me.  When I started looking, I went from where I thought the file was (where I searched first) to looking through ALL my files (well, the areas where such files WOULD be, anyway).  I went from most recent to files from my earliest days on the internet.
I've become more organized these days.  Back then everything was saved in one huge folder (usually Desktop or my documents).  When the folder became too cluttered I'd make a sub folder and shove everything in there.  Then I'd fill the original folder again.  (Where as now I at least try to keep things somewhat more organized, like documents separated from images and images has subfolders like camwhores, digital camera pictures, art, etc).  I've also changed my file naming habits over the years as well.
[I had to get more organized since I was working between multiple operating systems and multiple physical locations for school and I needed to keep labs findable]

Anyway, I found chat logs and screenshots of pretty much all my past relationships, even the first girl I ever fell in love with.  Some of the stuff, I didn't even remember having/saving.  I had buried all memories associated with that period of my life. 
I also learned that I've liked stimulants a lot longer than I thought I had.

There were pictures of me with bottles of alcohol next to my computer with IRC on the screen.  There was an image of a blood pressure monitor with incredibly high readings.  There were even images from when I used to moderate an art site, from when I used to moderate an image board.  Diagrams and logos I did back when I was helping a friend code a video game; plans drawn up for a desktop client for an art site that I don't think ever launched.  Screenshots of me in way too many IRC channels on way too many servers (one of which was a server that I helped run at one time) with aim, yahoo and msn messenger running.  Screenshots from various beta tests. 

I'm definitely not nearly as involved in the internet as I used to be.  And this may be a good thing.  I'm not entirely sure.  I do know finding these memories makes me miss a lot of people I used to talk to.

Someone even said I should save myself from depression and just delete the memories, but I don't want to.  No matter how painful, and not all of them were painful, it's still part of who I am.  It would be like deleting years from my life.  So the files will stay, until the storage media finally completely fails, or until I choose to look back and remember what was and what might have been.  Not to live in the past, but to remember some difficult, yet important times of my life.

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dreams again [15 Jul 2009|08:47pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

really dark black guy in deep blue (royal blue?) scrubs in the hallway outside my parents room, hitting me with a belt.  says i can never have kids.  i say i probably already have some.  he says that's it and disappears.  mom says he was a taxidermist.  I hide in the bathroom in my parents room, he enters, pulls a gun and shoots me in my chest.  i reach for my chest and apply pressure with my hand.  there is blood everywhere.
I wake up.

[what makes this really significant was that I actually believed that I had been shot in the chest and my chest hurt when I woke up.  It was incredibly vivid.  And I don't remember feeling the pain at the time.  I just remember the surprise and grabbing my chest, looking down and seeing all the blood.  It's the first time I can really remember being shot in a dream]

Went back to sleep and ended up at a restaurant or something.  A few of the younger blackbelts from taekwondo were there and someone else who was important but I don't remember now.  I was attempting to do calculus.  Kept getting distracted by the blackbelts fooling around.  Never did finish the calculus.
There was this really old woman there with pointy yellow teeth, possibly dentures.  We had some sort of discussion about pills, though I don't remember how it went.  Think it was about painkillers.
Then we were all on a bus.  one of those yellow school busses.  Katie's brother was there and he had to go to the bathroom so the bus stopped at the king of prussia mall.  or it might have been a different mall.  anyway, i asked the driver what was going on and when i got back to my seat there were two girls in it and they left the seat without me even having to ask because I stared them down.  My bag was missing so for the rest of the ride i was eyeing everyone suspiciously. 

--

I was at work, though work was more futuristic and shinier than normal.  I remember getting called into an office that couldn't possibly exist and it was all glass and very fancy like CEO type stuff. 
Don't remember what happened from there or why.
This may have led to this other dream I had on a different night.

I was on the roof with a coworker.  I'm not going to name him.  Anyway, he took my blackberry and threw it off the roof.  I love my blackberry and this upset me greatly so I left to go find it.  It was in an otterbox case so I knew it was ok.  I found this house or commercial building where the window, which was either a half or quarter circle or a right angle triangle, was broken.  I had to go in to investigate.  I found the spot where the blackberry obviously landed, but could not find it anywhere.  Just shattered glass.  Some strange woman approached me and I asked her if she had seen it.  She said she hadn't but I could tell she was lying.  I left to find my beloved blackberry, and I don't remember much of what happened next.  I KNEW somebody had taken it.  I remember something to do with a train, walking from one end to the other while it was moving.
I'm not sure if I ever did recover it but it was more important than just my blackberry.  Although, IRL, all the data on mine is encrypted so it would be absolutely no use to anyone except as a paper weight (also the data is erased after a couple incorrect password attempts so I see no reason why I would doubt it's security in my dream).

--

Katie was in this one although she seemed to have lost a little weight and died her hair blond.  From what I can remember we were looking for a place of our own to stay in.  At one point we were in a department store and were testing out the beds by sleeping on them and hiding in clothes racks (which reminds me of another dream from a very long time ago*).  I remember the sidewalks being very uneven in this dream.  We ended up in a small room with this lady we stayed with back when I was staying with Katie in Phoenixville.  There was a mattress there with no covers and the room was bathed in a warm ambient diffuse golden red glow.  For some reason there was a living hand underneath the bed and it kept reaching out.  So we didn't stay there.  Or maybe we did and the room was part of the larger area we next ended up at.  It may have been an abandoned motel or farm or gas station or something like that.  Something happened.  I don't remember what it was.  But I ended up captured by a man with a gun.  He took my blackberry and made me kneel on the ground with my hands tied behind me, execution style, with the gun pressed against the back of my head.
I wanted to save Katie, to warn her.  But I couldn't.  And she either tried to run to me or was hiding out of sight of the guy who captured me, but this big semi truck crashed into where she was and there was an explosion.  I didn't see her die, and I hoped she didn't but I knew she probably was so I begged the guy to kill me.  I don't remember anything after that point, probably because I got shot in the head.

--

Katie and I were in a chinese antiques store.  She was distracting the man and I was admiring things.  I found this one really elaborate box which was full of some powder and crystals.  It was probably drugs and I think I stole it.  Next part I remember, me and her were in mexico or cuba or somewhere with beaches.  The water was clear and blue and there were girls in bikinis.  Me and Katie walked along the white sand of the beach.  We ended up next to some river, in the middle of a city (probably Philly) and watched a barge go by.  The water looked really deep and I can't swim so I asked if we could go somewhere away from the water because I knew if I fell in I would die for sure.
Then there was some dream about a city built in and on a hill, exploiting my fear of heights.

--

*dream from a very long time ago:
Well, this girl I had a huge crush on over the internet was in it.  (someone I fell in love with a very long time ago).  And there were some other people in it that I forget.  Anyway, either she or I had an STD, I don't remember which.  So all of us were taking pills to treat it.  And we were in a department store and we were hiding in clothes racks and running around and stuff.  We were going to have sex (I think there was like 4 of us and I was the only guy and we were all chasing each other around, IIRC).  I /think/ me and one of the others had sex, but I don't think I got to do it with the one I had the crush on, so I was sad. 

--

July 15th:
Last night I had a dream that I went to talk to my manager.  I had been back for a week and in another week or two I was going back to Philadelphia to see Katie, so I needed to book two weeks off.  (Interestingly enough, while in Philly I was going to call and ask for an extra two weeks off because I was going to stay in Philly and at the time I had a dream about flying back to edmonton just to ask for two more weeks and then flying back).  I explained to my manager about how I loved her and wanted to get her a job here because the economy and job market was better here and he agreed with me. 
I remember being on an airplane, but I don't remember much else other than that there were cheeseburgers. 

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[20 Jun 2009|03:00pm]

Time is fucked up.

It feels like I wrote my June 19th blog more than a day ago. Creation date of the file agrees with the 19th though. I must be loosing my mind.

[actually, looking at the timestamp again, I wrote it at 2:02am so that is probably part of the reason it seems more than a day ago.]

 

Sometimes I need some time to myself. So I can think. And relax.

I'm not really a very social person, usually. I don't go out to parties all the time. I don't meet more than 1 person a day. But here I've been meeting upwards of 15 people at once. After a while, I feel like hiding. Katie seems to have acquired a sinus infection and she's all mad at me so I have an excuse to hide in the room and tune out the world by listening to Panic! At the Disco.

 

This time the fight was about something that's been bugging me for a while. Me and Katie are two completely different people. She is very friendly and caring whereas I can be very cold and selfish. Since she was sick I went out and got her some Tussin and something with phenlyephrine HCL in it. [that's the other thing that bugs the hell out of me. They wouldn't accept my Canadian drivers license as appropriate ID for buying some OTC pseudoephridine HCL. Even though it had acetaminophen in it. Cause apparently I am going to make meth with it or something. There's 24 pills in there, I couldn't make shit with that. I just want to help my sick girlfriend. I got her the other kind but it's not nearly as effective as the kind I wanted. At least it isn't for me anyway.] I also got her some white cheddar cheese-it's and some jhalepeno chips. And I made a comment about the fact that I got it for her, not for all her brothers. But she was sharing it anyway so I was mad and told her next time she can get her own stuff. And that makes me a bad person apparently.

Katie would make sure everyone else eats before she has anything. She also asks people if they want anything when we go to the store. Well, that's fine if she's paying but she blew through her paycheck already cause they aren't giving her many hours. So it's my money. And she wants to spend it on her siblings. What right does she have to MY money. I worked hard for it. And this trip is already costing most of what I have saved. I'm trying not to go into severe debt.

If someone is hungry she will feel bad if she doesn't give them something. I don't feel bad. But that is because I don't let myself feel bad for that. I can't afford to feed everyone. And her mom doesn't even stock the fridge anymore because everyone other than me and Katie keep eating all the food. Katie and I buy our own food. It isn't my job to ensure everyone else gets to eat.

So yes, I am a selfish person.

But I don't think that is bad. Because when everyone else is starving on the street, I'm going to have food. And if Katie will eat before sharing then maybe she can have some too. But I look after me first. Otherwise how can I help anyone else?

I DO feel bad if I'm mooching off of other people, though.

The other problem is if there was a party and Katie was invited, she would invite everyone to it. I wouldn't invite others to a party unless told. Because I feel it is impolite to impose on other people.

 

From what I've seen, it is because we are from two completely different worlds. Katie's family has very strong bonds and is very large. Everyone helps everyone else and Katie has had to raise many of the children and her siblings. My immediate family has incredibly tight bonds, but within that, the parents care for their children. And my immediate family in Alberta is much smaller. I'm also more of a loner.

 

Anyway, enough of that stuff. More on my trip.

The Internet is still cut off, and I'm not getting enough signal from the other access points within range to capture packets and break the encryption [I don't really have the patience to even try at the moment anyway]. This CPU would take forever to crack the key anyway. I don't really need the Internet that badly at the moment, so I'm not really in any rush to use it.

 

Yesterday, I went to Sonya's 8th grade graduation and took tons of pictures (Katie didn't have her own camera to take pictures of her sisters graduation). Then I ended up in north Philly. Definitely wasn't as bad as I had been led to believe. Met many more people and went to a buffet which was awesome. Then on our way back we went to love park again and I got Katie to show me city hall. The building was ancient and beautiful. Hopefully tomorrow we will visit the art museum.


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[19 Jun 2009|02:57am]

Things don't always go according to plan.

Sometimes there isn't much of a plan in the first place.

 

Ended up taking a vacation away from my vacation. Ended up in Phoenixville, wasn't planning on spending the night there. I was pretty much the only guy there for most of the time. I felt somewhat out of place with all the estrogen in the house.

I got this really awesome shirt and some awesome shorts. But I forgot my other bag when I left so I almost lost my panic! at the disco shirt.

I rode the market frankfort line from 69th street terminal to the end of the line. Then took the one going back but stopped at old city. Found the US Mint and the constitution museum thing. I will return when I can devote an entire day to exploring and learning about the the birth of this nation.

Anyway, once I returned from my mini vacation, I discovered the Internet was cut off because people don't pay bills sometimes. So my access for the near future will be extremely intermittent at best, but I will find a way.

 

People want me to stay till the 18th of July. But I need to get back to working and finding a better job. And I dunno what sort of trouble I'll be in since I told the border crossing agent that I was only staying till the 6th. So I dunno if I can stay longer :/

 

anyway, I need to get some sleep

I'll try to blog more later


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Philly [08 Jun 2009|03:02pm]
I've made it an entire week in Philly. West Philly, actually. Heard the north is pretty bad so probably won't be heading there. Ate out most of the first week. Gotta stop that, too expensive if I still have 3 or so weeks to live here. Went to the supermarket yesterday and got some produce (cherries, nectarines, and mangoes cause the mangoes were 49c each and I loves them). Also picked up some pepsi max and hotdogs and cheez-it's. This should last for a while. I still have 3 boxes of cookies left from a couple days ago; hoping to make them last for the rest of the week at least.

SEPTA is pretty neat. I've even been riding it on my own. I really wanna ride the trains though :o. Never been on a real train (that I can remember anyway). I also helped close at a KFC so Katie wouldn't be stuck there till 2am again. And been caught in the rain a couple times. It's nice here. Very warm.

Had a dream about Reeses peanut butter cups. And another dream last night that seemed to be based on F.E.A.R 2. It was set in india or china or something and me and my squad were going through these hallways. And then we discovered that the walls were weak so we pushed some over and got into a dusty area with crickets on the floor. There were beds and it was really dark but my team had flashlights. There was something ominous about it but I can't remember what it was.

It's so different here. But in many ways it's the same. In Lancaster, we had our own place. And it was a similar, older building. Philly is so much huger than Lancaster though. Even getting Canadian currency converted to American was an adventure. The people at the bank apparently never saw Canadian currency before so they had to look it up in a book to make sure it was legit D: . And then after that, we were on 52 street and Katie hustled a pair of awesome black label jean shorts from 40 to 25bux. They have a skull on the back with a dagger through the eye and a snake, it's so cool!

Might be heading down to Lancaster when we can get a chance to. We also want to visit NYC.
We went to Logan square (which, btw, is where the statue of William Penn looks like it has a pen0r) where they used to do all the hangings. And we visited
LO
VE park. We also went Larry's and got a belly filler cheese steak and it was amazing, and we went to Coco's which is actually a really nice bar.
I dunno what else to write, so I guess that's it for now.

Philadelphia maneto!
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convocation 2009 [10 May 2009|03:03pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I graduated yesterday.  I wish I had brought my netbook so I could have written down my thoughts as they happened.  I had some pretty awesome thoughts.  And they are mostly gone now but I'll see what I can remember.

Saw some colleagues in the back while getting ready to enter the auditorium.  A couple people I worked with in the fall semester but they didn't have to take any other courses so I didn't expect to see them again.  I was pleasantly surprised.  We all wore blue gowns except for the associate chair of the computer engineering department who wore a black gown.  The obvious "when is the next train to Hogwarts?" jokes were made and things were quite jovial.  The hoods of our gowns were blue with yellow trim. 
I don't generally like crowds of people and it was pretty packed back there.  I was also really nervous because I was going to have to go across the stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people.  And it was being webcast live too so there were probably even more people.  It was also really hot in the gown.  The imperial march from starwars played as we filed into the Jubilee auditorium.  And we sat as we listened to speeches from the different levels of government.  And my hunch was correct, even with the recession, Edmonton is going into the recession stronger than just about anywhere else, and we are going to emerge stronger.  They mentioned how us grads were going to provide the strength and how the future belonged to us.  The sitting was the worst part, really, because it was really boring after the speeches were done.  But there was an overall magical feeling to it.  Enhanced partly due to my glasses, which were mostly clean but had those streaks that don't seem to go away and you can't really see them but they make lights look weird.  So each point of light was a star.  After tons of people went up, it was our turn and we were led into the back.  This was my favorite part, actually. 

The auditorium looked beautiful, the over all color theme black and there was wood paneling.  In the back, you saw what was underneath it all.  What made it work.  It was like you peeled off the skin so you could see the muscles and bone underneath.  Being back there, you see the world from a different perspective.  The perspective of the performer.  The perspective of the person who makes the show work; makes the magic happen.  You could see pipes and electrical conduits and breakers and HUGE sliding doors that were so big I can't even estimate their size but I'm assuming that they were there so the sets could get built in the back and put on the stage that way. 
At this point I was still very nervous but I was also quite happy to look around everywhere at everything back there because it was fascinating to see.  To be back there, somewhere where only performers and stage hands were allowed... it really defies explanation.  There is so much more to the world than meets the eye.  There are layers underneath what you see.  Layers upon layers that make things work. 
The only time I can remember being there before was to see video games live. 

As an interesting side note, while all that was going on, I thought of my sister.  She is really talented at singing and she is also learning piano.  At that particular moment, she was at some church, singing with her choir at the provincial competition and then the nationals.  I realized this must be the side of things she gets to see, since she does performances all over the place.  In fact, last year, I think it was, she got to go to spain to perform.  Anyway, this is about my convocation, not about her so I will continue.

We had moved closer to the stage and it was a lot cooler back there.  We were no longer in the back, really, we were on the stage but behind the curtain at the side.  There was a lot of neat things to look at here, too.  (Although, I bet I would have been more excited in the area where the mixing consoles are). 
I thought about how I was going to proceed on stage.  I pictured myself looking at the camera and flashing a smile like a movie star.  But I decided I would look straight at Dr. Shaw (president and CEO of  NAIT) and go directly to him.  Because the audience didn't matter, and I didn't want to be distracted by it and the lights.
So that's what I did.  I shook his hand, the chair of NAIT's board of governors hand, the head of the electrical engineering schools hand and the associate department head's hand.  I even got an alumni pin. 

The pin is actually what held my attention when I got back to my seat.  To be quite honest I think I was overwhelmed at this point and somewhat in shock.  I didn't really know what to expect and the ceremony was so magical and formal and surreal.  I looked at the pin, NAIT's logo with the word "Alumni" underneath it.  I pondered the meaning of the word.  The fact that this was it.  All the hard work I've done, the late nights furiously spent trying to get code working so I could pass.  The countless hours spend stressing and revising my thesis.  The incredibly stressful last minute revisions and then the terrible self doubt that hit me as soon as I handed it in.  This was it.  I've accomplished what I set out to accomplish.
This is when I realized how much I'm going to miss NAIT.  I had grown to hate the place (or so I thought) when I was so stressed out and just wanting to finish so I could get out and get a job in my area of expertise.  But I realize now how much I loved being there.  How much I loved learning.
Obviously I am going to continue to learn throughout my life.  But it's not the same as actually being taught the material.  I was chatting with a friend online yesterday and determined that if I stayed in post secondary education to learn everything I wanted to learn, I would be in school for the rest of my life.  And most of the knowledge would be wasted anyway.  Computer Engineering is something I am passionate about.  I can do it as a career.  Biological sciences, as much as it interests me, is not likely something I would do as a career, thus the knowledge would be wasted.  I could have gone into med school.  I could have become a Dr.  but I didn't really like dealing with people when they are at their worst.  And I would have been in school for way too long.  I could have been a lawyer too, since I have this skill for arguing stuff and I've been told I'd make a good lawyer.  But computers, electronics and code are what I truly love. 

Another thing I realized was that this was exactly like when I got my blackbelt.  I had trained so long and hard and even failed the first time I tried it.  I was even offered the chance to be given it.  And I refused.  And trained even harder so I could actually earn it.  And when the black belt was being tied around my waist, I realized that I already was a blackbelt. 

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omg more dreams [10 May 2009|01:50pm]
[ mood | awake ]

A few nights ago, I was a detective. I don't remember much of the events leading up to the end of the dream, however I do remember some sort of investigation that lead me to an apartment up in some building. I had a very high caliber revolver with me as my main sidearm and I believe I found a 9mm pistol and picked it up because I knew I'd need more than a revolver. It was black and it could have been an m1911 (I think) or similar design. Anyway, I don't remember how many people were in the apartment if anyone was in there, but I was only interested in one person. (or I possibly shot everyone and then pursued the fleeing suspect). He had escaped out the window and down the fire escape so I followed. Somehow the drop at the end of the fire escape didn't injure me at all, I just rolled with it, I guess. The suspect was running on the road and I was chasing him. We were both traveling really fast because we were passing cars going at least 60km/h. I think I shot the tires of a car or two to try to make them block his path. Then I attempted shooting him. Which is where physics broke. If I'm traveling at a specific velocity and I fire a gun, the bullet should be traveling at the velocity of a bullet plus my velocity, if I am firing in the same direction I am traveling. Unless I'm remembering physics wrong. Anyway, the bullets never reached him. I was running at or just below his velocity so he wasn't getting further away. The revolver was in my left hand and I tried it first. And since it didn't work I tried the 9mm m1911 in my right hand. Which didn't work either.

Anyway, that's all I remember of that dream.

 

The next night (I think), the dream seemed to continue slightly. Or maybe it was just similar in theory. I'm not sure which part happened first, but I'll start with the car chase. There was a logging truck (or some other really big truck). The enemy was attempting to use the logs by cutting the restraints so they would fall on my car. I think I got someone else to drive while I jumped onto the truck and prevented this from happening, then made other cars box the truck in. Now that could have been the first or second part of my dream, I'm not sure.

The other part of the dream was really interesting. I was in my room. For some reason I left using the window (it's a basement room so the windows are really tiny so this would be difficult and only for emergency use). It was night and it was pitch black out. The soldiers didn't look like any soldiers I had seen anywhere before. They didn't look like replica soldiers [replica soldiers are from F.E.A.R. 2 which I had been playing like the week before] because their camo was different but they could have been, I guess. The biggest feeling I got from it was that this was from DeusEx. But again, their camo didn't match. They seemed to be wearing nano suits that were black and made them look very muscular... maybe more accurate would be that it accented their musculature, since they didn't look like body builders. All I know is that they were enemies that wanted to kill me... I mean, why else would soldiers be outside my room? I dunno which army they were with or if they were mercs. So I shot him. And he didn't go down so I kept shooting. I guess I had a silencer because other soldiers were around and they didn't seem to notice. Eventually after about a clip, he died. I reloaded and stealthily snuck up behind the other one and killed him too.

 

I don't remember anything else from that one. The thing that really struck me as strange about these dreams is that both happened a day apart, and I hadn't been playing any video games before hand. (In fact, I have tried to make myself dream by playing video games until I pass out and I still haven't dreamed anything). I also don't usually have dreams involving me and guns. I'll have dreams where I try to fly a plane and fail horribly or end up landing at mc donalds to get all the passengers hamburgers, even weird sex dreams involving someone I know who was a tranny in my dream for some reason (even though she isn't irl), but I don't usually dream about shooting stuff. In fact, you could say I have some of the most fucked up dreams you have ever heard of. Especially the one where I met one of my IRC friends who works at google but he was driving a truck up a hill and then I was traveling along power lines and these robots that looked suspiciously like ones from SatAM Sonic cartoons (with long legs and lasers and buzzsaws and they were cutting down the forest) and I had to get past each transformer on the power lines as the previous one exploded as a tree fell and took out that section of the grid. And then I took a nap on a google mainframe.


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dkljhdfxdf [28 Apr 2009|02:01am]
[ mood | lonely ]

I haven't seen any of my IRL friends for a very long time now.
Feeling increasingly isolated and forgotten.

Probably gonna be out of the country for a month at some point this summer.
Want to see NIN concert, which I may do while I'm in Philly, if I go.

I thought I knew what I wanted in life.  And now I'm not so sure.

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more dreams [23 Apr 2009|01:54pm]
[ mood | introspective ]

Ok, twothree recent dreams:

On april 22:
I dunno why I was dreaming about her. It was kinda weird. Either we were at her house (I've never actually been there) or we were at a really weird school. And there was probably a lot of drinking because one of the very distinctive parts of my dream was me projectile vomiting in a lot of garbage cans. And then a friend gave me advice because she had tummy problems too. It was kinda like a sleep over. I woke up and i think I used the light on my watch to find out the time which woke her up. Then she was on irc in a botnet channel and then she was in this guys arms and I felt bad and there was a book apparently he wrote about the two of them and their apparently rough relationship or something.
Anyway, I was really sad when I woke up from that dream. :/
It was probably because I miss my friends.


As for last night, this one started somewhere with old shops and a brick street. I think Katie was with me this time and we were shopping. And looking at scarves. It was snowing lightly outside but it was melting as it touched the ground so it wasn't too cold.
Somewhat later, I was in a more modern mall. And here's where things started to get interesting. I bumped into something concrete. and then discovered it was a person. On a motorized scooter. Apparently someone's grandma had burned into ash and they poured concrete and it filled the ash (i think this technique came from the presentation in one of my classes on putting styrofoam into sand and pouring molten metal in and it takes the space of the styrofoam). Anyway, her brain was still alive and if we changed the temperature of the brain to 2c the thoughts and movements were slower, but if we heated it up to 4c the thoughts and stuff were faster. It was so cool, although really weird.
Anyway, at that point I had to go to the bathroom and that's where the zombies were. So I had to fight them and I either went through the mirror or there was a secret area but there was this dark/black room where there were these brains in circles on the floor and I vaguely remember something to do with thetans or something. And then I had to smash the brains or something. I think I had god mode or something and they were running rouge AI or something like that. I don't really remember the ending that well.




OMG and I just remembered a dream that I don't remember if I ever mentioned so I'm gonna mention it again but I don't remember all of it.
I remember being in the sherwood park mall (it was kinda different but similar). And the radioshack had robots that could play guitar. And I was working on my micro board infront of the radioshack. Anyway there was this little girl that was a robot and she had this armored mech and I had to fight it. I think I was like a cyborg ninja or something. And anyway, after that she got into the computer network and did something so troops were converging on my position so we had to escape (i think major motoko or KOS-MOS or equivalent hot robot chick was there with me). I got her to hack the security system while I social engineered a robot into letting me steal this gun from somewhere. or maybe it was this item i was supposed to be protecting... this dream was a while ago so I forget. Anyway, I think I also had to inspect some military base that was connected to the mall. It was pretty cool.

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why am i not surprised [15 Apr 2009|05:20pm]
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
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random dreams [02 Apr 2009|01:42pm]
Ok, I was gonna make an entry earlier and put some dreams in it but I forgot. So here's my fragments I wrote down in a text file.
_____________________

March 20:
I don't remember all the details from the dream. Which sucks because there were so many important parts to it. I'd have written about it but I think I had to run off to class.

11:49 < opssec> FINALLY
11:49 < opssec> A GOOD DREAM
11:50 < opssec> I don't watch tv series at all, but I was playing some sort of space marine type thing
11:51 < opssec> and this one fatty was incharge of the space station and she went insane and tried to eat everyone
11:51 < opssec> so we linked all the bombs together and made the computer system blow the station up
11:51 < opssec> and then me and the survivors were in an escape pod
11:52 < opssec> and this one chick that also survived stayed with me, and we fell in love
11:52 < opssec> and we had sex like pretty much everywhere in different planets and stuff
11:52 < opssec> and then we were getting married or something and dudes were trying to fight me
11:54 < opssec> also, she was fit, blond shortish hair, green or blue eyes, and caucasian

before the whole space part, there were two sub dreams:
one at my grandparents house and involved potatoes some how
and the other where i was trying to be a lightning rod in a storm in a convertable and holding up something metal

14:05 < opssec> she was perfect too, blond short hair, blue or green eyes, slim and fit. and we were space marines and she was an actriss and I was an actor and we were making a space marine tv series
14:05 < opssec> and we fell in love :<
14:06 < opssec> and there was this one scene where we were in this ball room and all the bosses of outerspace were there and me and the girl were gonna get married and her dad was like the king of the universe and he said no and then i was blackmailing him and then like so many people were attacking me

I wonder if you can meet someone in a dream, go to sleep another night and then meet them again. Would the story continue where it left off?
Has it happened but I don't remember?


march 21 dream:
Something to do with a vault. There was a sealed hotel type thing. It had air conditioning and there were beds. Why was I there? Was it a friends place? Was I house sitting? Was I just there to repair something?
Regardless of why I was there, there was some significance. The lighting was subdued. Either natural or really dimmed. And there was a feeling of age in the place. almost seemed sepia toned... Possibly abandoned or someone died or something.

The rest of the apartment complex/vault had boxes. A reception desk. Concrete pillars. I don't remember people... But I don't remember a lack of people either...

-the next part is maybe related or maybe a different dream

there was a cave or something. possibly I was leaving the vault/appartment and encountering guards or people or something.

-the next part is maybe related or maybe a different dream (again)

This largely took place on a boat. A very large boat. I think.
And it was rather jamesbondish. It had action at least.
There could have been an external world that was involved to some degree but mostly it was on the boat.
Someone took me down many flights of stairs. The place was packed with people. Again, this could have been a vault or some sort of clinic or military facility. There was a possible mention of the people in terms of them recovering from something. Drug addiction? Children that had been exploited? I vaguely remember that i was supposed to be there to investigate something...
Either the place was on my boat, or at some point I left the facility and was [possibly] being chased. (by the government? military?)
I think there was a black helicopter and/or another ship.
I had to take evasive action. I don't remember all of what happened. But I was playing all the roles. I had to steer it and then had to go fix something (maybe the engine? override the governors?). There were lots of splashes of water. But I don't recall drowning.
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aspirations [02 Mar 2009|08:35pm]
It's really annoying when people like to pretend that humans are better than animals. Humans ARE animals. Sure we might be a lot smarter than most of the other animals and we have things like philosophy, but deep down inside, we are animals. And I'll just say right now, in case you think I'm gonna get into some PETA bullshit, I'm not. PETA are a bunch of morons and should be shot on sight, really. Cause they're fucking crazy and hypocritical and stupid. The stupid part is most of the reason they should die.
Anyway, if it wasn't clear enough, from SCIENCE, that people are animals, the behavior of the human race is a pretty good indicator.
At work, they trample through the produce department like a heard of fat ugly cattle. Go through the displays like a pig goes through his trough.
[the only redeeming quality about any of them is some of them are pretty sexy. There are some definite MILFs at my store]
Another example is the behavior of people in new Orleans during the Katrina incident.
Disgusting
Fucking
Filthy
Animals.

The reason I'm bringing this up, is that I can see complete societal collapse approaching. Maybe not for a couple years, but it is coming. Martial law will probably be imposed. Perhaps years before the collapse, or perhaps there will be some rebellion or staged terrorist attacks (it's happened before) or global nuclear warfare as countries fight over diminishing resources like water and land and oil and trees. In my opinion, any attack on freedom (such as martial law) is just as bad, if not worse than societal collapse.
I did a lot of thinking at work today along these lines. Not just total societal collapse either, but also if a natural disaster or something happened.
Some people would behave normal and try not to panic. They would probably die first if they don't escape. Most people will panic and try to escape. Some, however, (and these are the ones who will be labeled criminals) will try to survive. They will cast off their shackles of 'society' and reveal their true nature: that of the animal.
[at this point I'd also like to note that I think gun control is utterly retarded because criminals will obtain guns anyway. All gun control does is prevent an average person from defending themselves against a criminal brandishing a gun]

The reason I was thinking about these things is that I've been thinking about maybe having a family some day. A very very small family. (Yes, I know the world is overpopulated right now, BUT if certain things happen, we will need all the people we can get).
If I have a family, I plan on defending them. By any means necessary. I will not hesitate to kill in defense of my life or my family. This is how it is in nature, kill or be killed.
Now I'm not saying I want to kill. I try to live my life in accordance to PLUR. Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. And if I am treated in that way, I will reciprocate. But, break into my house in the middle of the night and expect a couple bullets headed your way. Your brain will make a nice painting for my wall. Basically, I intend on having me and my family survive at any cost.

Survival at the expense of freedom though? That's a really tough question. And I hope I never have to make that choice. I guess currently I am surviving while some of my freedoms are limited. But would I fight an oppressive totalitarian regime? Currently I do not acknowledge the right of the government to tell me what I can or cannot put in my body. What I can or cannot say. What sexual preference I should have. Those things are not the business of the government. So although I may not have the freedoms, I still do what I want. And this, I'm sure, will someday be a cause of conflict.

I doubt I'll ever be the strongest. I doubt I'll ever be the best shot. I doubt I'll ever be the greatest assembly programmer of embedded micros. I doubt I'll ever be the best hacker.
But I can aspire to be.
I can aspire to be something more than the ignorant masses who sit their obese asses on their couches watching tv and collecting checks from the government.
I have aspirations to be greater than I am, to be better than I ever could be.
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wall of text (recent computer problems and recent dreams) [18 Feb 2009|02:44pm]
Ok, so there's two main things I wanted to mention in this entry: some recent computer problems and some recent dreams.

The power adapter for my favorite laptop decided to start being flaky a couple weeks ago. I dismissed the problem thinking it was simply a thermal shutdown issue (well, it was behaving weirdly and then the laptops battery was not being detected and then the adapter wasn't providing power and then the computer shutdown. Once I got it back up (by resetting the PMU) I checked the cable and discovered the actual transformer part was buried under stuff. Hence why I tidied my room a little bit. Anyway, I unplugged it and let it cool down and then things were ok.)

On the 15th, the adapter failed again. It wasn't much warmer than ambient temperature though. I used the battery to boot the computer into a series of diagnostic tests to ensure nothing on the logic board was at fault. All the internal hardware tested ok. So then I looked to the adapter itself. Since it didn't seem to be a thermal issue this time and I didn't smell anything burning and there was no smoke from inside, I thought maybe there was a loose connection somewhere so I poked around at it. I managed to get it working again (confirming that it was indeed a loose connection), and booted into the OS to run FSCK. However, I had gone back in time!!
Tiger decided it was December 31, 1969! Also, the Internet didn't work.
[Actually, interestingly enough, when the laptop shutdown, I also experienced some network issues. Somehow, my router locked up and the Internet to the house seemed to die as well. I checked from multiple computers, then attempted to isolate the problem by power-cycling each network device. And eventually I got the families side of the network up. Mine took a little longer. It's an old router but usually it's incredibly stable. I still don't know if the two events are related or not, but it was interesting that they occurred almost simultaneously. I won't dismiss the possibility of a security breach, since no security is impenetrable. But it is highly unlikely.]
Anyway, for some reason, Tiger also decided to enable ipv6 and then locked down her firewall so she couldn't connect to my network. Since I was fighting against time (the remaining amount of battery left) I wasn't able to dig through the logs as much as I would have liked.
I ordered a replacement adapter since even though I could probably fix the old one (and I probably will), I needed something more reliable. It got here today and I'm currently ensuring file system integrity (although I doubt there will be any problems at all, and even if there are, I have VERY current backups :)). I'll probably be using Tiger again before the end of the day. (The laptop I'm on right now is quite a bit faster than her and has a much larger screen, but I just love her more. It's a good thing I have backup hardware though, this is why I keep so many computers around. (Well, one of the reasons anyway))

Anyway, now for the dreams. They aren't really as crazy as some of the dreams I have.

The night before last night, I dreamed of a FedEx truck. I forget most of the details. But I do remember I dreamed that my power adapter arrived. And I was so excited and happy. And then I woke up.

Last night I dreamed of an airplane (again >_< ). There was something to do with my being Tom from Tom and jerry and there was something about mice and them being dipped in Caesar dressing. And being hidden in my pants or something. Anyway, as proof of what a fatty I am, apparently after taking off in the plane (which was scary cause I was driving) I apparently landed at a McDonald's and took the entire flight to have hamburgers.

And on the 12, I had this dream (wrote it in a text file so I wouldn't forget, lol):
The earliest part I can remember is a walk through the woods with some furries or wolves or something. There is a female (human) one wearing blue scrubs and I think her friend is wearing scrubs too.
I keep finding strawberries that are already cut and I eat them.
Then we are in what appears to be a wing of a hospital, but over time it becomes the college.
I think Simon lets them sit in one of our classes. I think they are in vet technology or something... maybe MRI or dental assistant...
Anyway, she chooses to sit next to me on a couch and we are both under the blanket. There is some conversation and she mentions something about me doing her doggy style.
She asks me if I remember the last time I was in her dorm. I remember it, I was in engineering at the time and me and some other guys were over there and she made us soup.
At some point we end up in my house, the two girls having taken over Jeff's room. I think their hair is either brown or black. They are both really cute. Anyway, there is a sense of danger at this point and I have to check on them to make sure they are ok. They are still asleep. In the basement was some sort of anonymous enemy so we have to try to escape.
Things get all anime and some person has us all wrapped and tied up in something. Then it explodes off it's skin and it seems to be some weird insect like thing. And I don't remember how but somehow we kill it because we are outside of that area, walking home. And something else happens but I can't remember what.
[the really interesting thing about that dream is the fact that I can fabricate memories mid dream]
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Sometimes I have to die to be reborn [31 Jan 2009|07:18pm]
[ mood | horny ]

Listening:
Earlier: NIN - And All That Could Have Been
Now: Sigur Ros
[the initial background stuff I'm writing might get boring so you can just start reading in the middle or at the end and then refer back to the beginning later if it doesn't make sense]

I decided over a year ago that I was manic-depressive. I'm aware it isn't something you just decide to be, but I mean that I diagnosed myself as that. Everything I had been experiencing supported that. And since I don't remember ever telling the psychologist about any manic stuff, and only told him about depression, the fact that I was diagnosed as depressed also supports my own diagnosis. And I've been both subjective and objective (cause I have that ability).

Anyway, the point here is not whether or not I have it, but something else entirely.
The point is, I've learned to abuse it, regardless of what it is.

I'm actually significantly more stable lately than I have been in a long time. Aside from random irrational anger that is directly related to the combination of amphetamines and stress. But the amphetamines are prescription for my ADHD and I like them anyway so that is not an issue.

I was reminded of something today when I was watching the episode of House where Amber dies. And I felt really sad but managed not to cry and then went down to my room to think about it. Decided to try to make myself cry with sad music.
I've done this before. Often if I'm having a really bad day at college or I'm really tired or drained, I'll listen to sad or otherwise dark music on the ride home.
[Listening: Johnny Cash - Hurt]
[at this point I turned the lights off, closed my eyes and just focused entirely on the music]
[Listening: VNV Nation - Forsaken [vocal version]]
Then, I'll put on some high energy trance or angry loud power metal or rock or something. And it's incredibly restorative. Suddenly I go from the depths of sadness, the black pit of despair, to this incredible high and I don't even need drugs to get it.
Perhaps the reason I feel so much better after is because of the contrast to how I felt before. Or maybe emotions build up inside and slowly sadness accumulates and starts eating away at me and the release ends up making me feel so much better.
It's similar to when I'll be listening to really awesome music and a guitar solo or really awesome part of the song gets me flushed and my heart beating faster and my breath catching as I essentially have this mental orgasm because of it.

Another side effect seems to be that I am more creative. I wasn't actually planning on writing a journal. It just sort of happened. I wanted to make myself cry and I end up writing this entry. It doesn't really make sense to me either.
I took the Myers-Briggs test again. And it was the same as before. INTP. I won't explain the result since anyone reading this likely has the ability to look it up on google if they cared. I will say that the results fit me and the results were discussed with a professional (I had to for one of my classes). I am an incredibly logical, rational person. But at my very worst, when I'm incredibly stressed out, I resort to my weakest trait. My feelings. This is where a lot of my more emo blogs have come from. At first it's extroverted feelings, as I get even more stressed, it turns into introverted feelings and then I don't even blog about it.
[Listening: NIN - Hurt]

My proposal for writing my thesis on DNA computing was approved. So I have to have a preliminary presentation for my class by tuesday. (so technically I'm supposed to be researching, hence why I am rambling on here)
Oh, and actually, if there is anyone out there with a really strong DNA background or biochemistry or biology, I'd love to chat with you.

Ah, yes, and one last thing I wanted to add. I'm gonna experiment with running additional currents through my brain. Cause I have this device that will do it but I just need to build electrodes for it. And then run some tests on it so I make sure I don't fry anything important.
I should add, I'm not doing this for purposes of getting high or anything, although that would be a nice bonus. I just really enjoy experimenting with things. Hacking stuff, seeing how it works. Maybe this does absolutely nothing. Or maybe I'll have interesting ideas. The only way to find out is to plug myself in and see what happens.

I haven't had any crazy dreams for a while and I am starting to miss them. Actually, I don't remember having any dreams at all recently. I have a feeling that working nightshift on the weekends and doing regular day classes during the week had something to do with all the random dreams I had been having. Maybe I'll mess with my sleep schedule a bit.

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the world is pretty fucked up [19 Jan 2009|11:54pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

So basically, I wanted to rant about freedom and the lack of it and mention how the world is fucked up. But I figured many of you wouldn't care and so for the very few that do, I've added some interesting links.

http://www.infowars.net/articles/january2009/190109Faber.htm



Years ago I recognized my kinship with all living things, and I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest on the earth. I said then and I say now, that while there is a lower class, I am in it; while there is a criminal element, I am of it; while there is a soul in prison, I am not free. --Eugene V. Debs

They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security --Benjamin Franklin

When liberty is taken away by force it can be restored by force. When it is relinquished voluntarily by default it can never be recovered. --Dorothy Thompson

None are so hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe they are free. --Goethe

For those who stubbornly seek freedom, there can be no more urgent task than to come to understand the mechanisms and practices of indoctrination. These are easy to perceive in the totalitarian societies, much less so in the system of 'brainwashing under freedom' to which we are subjected and which all too often we sere as willing or unwitting instruments." --Noam Chomsky

If we do not believe in freedom of speech for those we despise we do not believe in it at all. --Noam Chomsky

If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude greater than the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace. We seek not your counsel, nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you; and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen. --Samuel Adams

http://www.prisonplanet.com/israel-recruits-army-of-bloggers-to-troll-anti-war-websites.html
Israel really needs to be held accountable for their war crimes. They feel that the deaths of children are totally justified. Frankly, they have no right to be in that area of the world anyway. But that is another rant for another time.
(see also:
http://www.reuters.com/article/latestCrisis/idUSLH286481
http://www.reuters.com/article/latestCrisis/idUSLJ166444
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5gLCYgTPBsvOMPGYdnLPvL40D0X_Q
)

This is really disturbing. And I urge my fellow Canadians to be prepared to fight for freedom if necessary:
http://www.globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=8323

I like the take on Lincoln towards the end of this article:
http://www.infowars.net/articles/january2009/190109Messiah.htm

Feed your brain (interesting things to read):
http://archive.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2003/11/20/185048.shtml
http://www.prisonplanet.com/obamas-civil-defense-program-resembles-domestic-draft.html

http://www.prisonplanet.com/fisa-%E2%80%98compromise%E2%80%99-completes-transformation-of-us-into-full-police-state.html

http://www.prisonplanet.com/washington-post-20000-more-us-troops-to-be-deployed-for-domestic-security.html


And, ultimately, perhaps the most important link of all:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123146363567166677.html

(and here is an opposing viewpoint on the above article which I read because I like to remain open to differing opinions: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ellis-weiner/on-atlas-shrugged-as-a-gu_b_157295.html I still love Atlas Shrugged though and objectivism is still awesome)

And omfg you guys have no idea how frustrating it is to try to explain something to someone who refuses to listen. Who has a closed mind. And... she just... can't see things from my viewpoint... she doesn't even try.

Umm... and now I lost my train of thought, but hopefully I'll come up with some proper blog posts soon. I hope to write one on the influence of the internet and media and bloggers on popular opinion.

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the end of 2k8 [31 Dec 2008|05:31pm]
It's been a while since I wrote about stuff happening in my life so now is the time of updating!

I passed all my courses.

Then it was christmas.
I got an electric guitar, a Squier Strat, and a Fender Frontman amp. Been practicing with it, it's fun :3
Also, got games and the usual shirts and stuff.

And work hadn't scheduled me for a couple weeks cause I took 2 weeks off for finals and they decided they need me more on days now so they gave me a couple more weeks. Which rocks.

Been pullin like 48 hour video game binges, hung out with friends, saw the movie 'the spirit'.

Back to games and stuff.

Also, happy new year!
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quiz things [31 Dec 2008|02:39pm]
I took a couple quizzes over the past few weeks:
What mental disorder do you have?
Your Result: Manic Depressive
 

You have extreme cycles of highs and lows. Sometimes you feel like you don't know who you are. One week you could be very hyper and happy and the next week you are slow and depressed.

ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
 
Paranoia
 
GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
 
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
 
What mental disorder do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

I took the quiz again a bit later and got a slightly different result:
What mental disorder do you have?
Your Result: GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
 

You can never seem to calm down and always feel anxious for unknown reasons. You tend to not be able to concentrate and have headaches or other anxiety symptoms.

Manic Depressive
 
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
 
Paranoia
 
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
 
What mental disorder do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz


How Randomly Cute Is Your Personality?

Sad Cute
Sad Cute
Awww seems as if your personality is only randomly cute when you are sad. Your friends seem to just give you a bandaid. Want a hug? :(
How do you compare?
Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic


You Are 4: The Individualist
You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.
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